


A nice family holiday

by 14_degree_weather



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Christmas, Crack, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Holidays, New Year's Eve, New Years, OOC, Out of Character, english is not my first language, human food
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-08
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26365867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/14_degree_weather/pseuds/14_degree_weather
Summary: It was the first year that Guillermo decided to spend Christmas and New Year's at the vampire residence. His plans were simple: a marathon of his favorite Christmas films and a grand meal with all the home-cooked dishes his heart desired.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz & Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	A nice family holiday

**Author's Note:**

> I'll try to correct any mistakes and formatting uglies in the future.

Vampires' relationship with food was, well... a difficult one. Sometimes they really wanted to try some, and other times they were utterly disgusted by it. Even the most ancient of their kind couldn't resist a bite of pizza pie or an occasional french fry every once in a while, only to puke it out later in agonizing fashion (with the knowledge that it was worth it, after all).

It wasn't as if, when one turned into a vampire, that they lost all their previous senses and taste receptors went numb or changed completely — they very much didn't, which was yet another price you had to pay for the gift of eternal life. Many of the recently turned young vampires struggled with it especially. In a matter of weeks what was once your favorite snack would induce severe projectile vomiting. The force of habit is hard to overcome, and every time a dear human friend invites their bloodsucking pal to a movie night and politely offers to share the popcorn, the cold hand reaches into the tub, and by the time the puffy caramelized piece is crushed in their fanged mouth they realize it's already too late, and whoops, the TV screen is hardly visible beyond the vile-smelling bloody fluid coating.

___

It was the first year that Guillermo decided to spend Christmas and New Year's at the vampire residence. His plans were simple: a marathon of his favorite Christmas films and a grand meal with all the home-cooked dishes his heart desired. And none of that fast food crap he always had to stuff into himself due to lack of time to prepare something from scratch. Ten years of crappy delivery and fast food didn't exactly make him slimmer, but he learned to stop caring and make peace with this fact. It was the price he was willing to pay on this rough path to becoming a vampire.

Despite all the hardships that came with being a familiar, there were good moments too, like when the vampires and himself all got at the table together for the holidays to play board games or cards. It was his idea to keep up with the traditions and celebrate holidays that may otherwise be forgotten or dismissed by the vampires. Guillermo knew they didn't like Christmas — the unholy beings that they were — but that didn't excuse them from being able to celebrate the coming of a new year. This was an important day for Guillermo, as well as for all of his relatives, but this year he decided to spare them of his presence. He knew mamá would invite all the uncles and aunties and cousins who would ask him how he was doing, about his job, whether he had a girlfriend already, and all other invasive personal questions he desperately wanted to avoid. He could almost imagine the sad accusatory look of his mother once all the guests were gone and he was helping her with the dishes. _“¿Por qué no me visitas más a menudo, Memo? I'm worried about you! Nunca me cuentas nada de tu vida. ¿Quieres llevar a tu madre a la tumba?”_

He knew how much distress he caused his poor mother by living such a mysterious lifestyle. Which is why he decided to lie that he was going to spend this New Year's with his friends from work. Which wasn't exactly a lie, Guillermo thought. At times that they didn't order him around or consider him a nuisance it really did feel like they were just a bunch of quirky friends he was unlucky enough to share a flat with. Except when the celebration was done, he had to clean everything up and no one volunteered to help.

This time he prepared in advance. He had made an arrangement with the virgins, who agreed to come to exchange a few rare Depression era vinyl records in the vampires' possession for some hot ‘Velvet Tone’s. Guillermo made a follow-up offer on the wax cylinders, but the virgins refused, the cylinders too ancient even for their hipster tastes.

With New Year's Eve just around the corner, he had already started the preparation of the dishes for tomorrow. He still had a few errands to run, so he wanted tomorrow to be fairly free so that he could enjoy his movies and not bother himself with the cooking. This year he wanted everything to made of lentils — his abuela's delicious lentil soup, lentil shepherd's pie, lentil curry, baked sweet potato with lentils... he would have food for days after this, just like when he was a kid, the open fridge greeting him with all sorts of delicious food in the morning on the 1st of January. He was mostly excited for the fun news stories the next morning, about how some poor drunk fella climbed a tree and got stuck, crying, or how someone lost an eye trying to illegally launch a firework. That stuff mostly happened in Brighton Beach, though. The people there really liked to get drunk for New Year's, Guillermo thought. Well, it was a nice family holiday, and he had no right to judge what others did when he himself routinely prepared to sacrifice human lives to undead creatures of the night.

___

It was New Year's Eve, 11pm. Time flew by faster than he anticipated, and Guillermo was already on his fourth cassette tape, watching Scrooged in the living room. That's when he heard the scratching of the key at the main door and the vociferous laughter behind it, signifying the vampires’ return. Nadja, Laszlo and Nandor all unceremoniously tumbled into the room, covered in a thick layer of snow. Guillermo rolled his eyes; seeing how their movements were unsteady and the voices louder than usual, they definitely got their share of alcohol blood. The virgins were eaten a few hours ago, and the leftovers of their blood that they couldn't bother to finish were drained by Guillermo and awaited the vampires in the fridge, in jars labeled with their names, like in a college dorm.

“Hey Gizmo, whatcha watching?” Laszlo asked, his arm around Nadja's shoulders, who was laughing at something ridiculously funny with Nandor, squinting hard with a look on her face that said _‘I'm going to pass out on the floor any minute now’_.

“Oh, just this Christmas movie,” said Guillermo. He himself was hardly paying attention to what was happening, belly stuffed with a three course meal, dessert and a glass of red wine. He struggled to keep his eyes open but was determined to finish this one. “You wanna join?”

“Well, I'd love to, but my good lady wife here had other plans for tonight. We may join you once we are done, though,” Laszlo said, slowly leaving the room, supporting his wife who nearly tripped over the floor transition strip in the doorway.

“Okay,” Guillermo slightly cringed at the thought of what they were about to preoccupy themselves with, but felt overall contentedness with today's quiet evening. Everyone was in an especially good mood, no desire to berate him or unload a weight of some ridiculous task on his pained familiarly shoulders.

“I think you'd really like the movie, Nandor,” Colin Robinson chimed in, sitting on the opposite couch to Guillermo, snacking on some plain crackers. Even though he was an energy vampire, he could actually still consume regular human food, which he did rarely. Guillermo tried offering him some of what he made, but Colin refused, having had a prior particularly fruitful conversation with the virgins about the economic situation of the world in the late 1920s and the prerequisites of the stock market crash.

“Wait, Guillermo, what is all of this? Did you make it? It looks so good!” exclaimed Nandor, his eyes lighting up at the sight of the dining table. “May I try some?”

“Oh, no, Master I don't think it's a good idea,” tried to reason Guillermo. Yeah, Nandor was drunk.

“I'd like to sample some of this very delicious looking potato dish,” the vampire announced, poking the shepherd's pie with a fork. Guillermo sighed and reluctantly stood up, ready to pack everything into tupperware, away from his master's hungry eyes.

“There's some blood for you in the fridge,” Guillermo offered, trying to sneakily take the fork from Nandor's hands.

“No, Guillermo! No, I don't want the blood, I just had it! Do you even realize how boring it is to have blood and only blood all the time? How would you feel if you had to eat only rice for centuries? I remember the rice they used to make in Al Quolanudar... Oh, the delicious golden pilaf with all the spices... there was this red flower they added…”

“Saffron?” Guillermo suggested.

“Yes, well... maybe. And they also made a crispy rice with those little white... balls... that stink up the room when they cook.” By this point it certainly looked like Nandor was getting teary eyed at the thought of his past.

“Oh, garbanzo beans? Yeah, I can make these for you if you w…” Guillermo started saying almost excitedly, only to remember his master couldn't actually eat human food. Or... could he? He was always curious about this one.

“Hey, master, I was wondering... Can you just try the food and not eat it? Just chew it and spit it out.”

Nandor seemed to think hard about this one.

“I... guess, I could try. Bring the bucket, please. I really do want to try some of this stuff, Guillermo, you should be proud of yourself. Looks just like the feasts I used to have after a successful pillaging.”

Delighted with Nandor's praise, Guillermo brought the bucket from the closet, and put it next to his master.

“Is this a tortilla chip, Guillermo? I always wanted to try it,” Nandor crunched on the little triangle-shaped chip and immediately spit it out into the bucket.

“Too dry…” Well, off to a great start.

Next he chewed on a big piece of the lentil shepherd's pie before gracefully discarding it into the bin, a shocked look on his face.

“Guillermo, it's... delicious! Who would've thought my familiar is such a great cook? Where were you when I was seizing that fortress in 1281? All the food I got was stale bread and some venison. I to this day suspect it was donkey meat though.”

Guillermo giggled, and went into the kitchen to get dessert from the fridge. When he came back, Nandor already sampled everything, looking like he just won the lottery. The soup he took a particular liking to, the liquid slightly dripping from his mouth. As vampires were almost all messy eaters, it seemed like their treatment of regular food was no different. He'll clean the room and wash Nandor's clothes in the morning, Guillermo thought, no big deal.

“Wanna try this?” he smiled, putting the plate in front of Nandor, which the vampire eyed curiously.

“What is this, it's... jiggly. Is it alive, Guillermo?” he bared his fangs with disgust. 

“No,” Guillermo laughed. “It's just flan. I did make it from a box though, so it may not be that good…”

The spoon already disappeared in Nandor's mouth.

“Hmm... very sweet. The texture is weird though,” he spit it out. “So, what is it you're watching?”

“Scrooged, it's a film I was terrified of when I was a kid. Now it just seems kinda silly.”

“Silly, huh?” Nandor's eyes were now fixated on the screen. “Ew, Guillermo, I think there is a priest. I remember once eating a priest. Was the worst blood I ever had, and it stung, too, I had indigestion for days.” Suddenly, his eyes widened with what almost looked like horror in his face. Guillermo looked at him with concern.

“Is everything okay, Master?” he whispered quietly. Drunk Nandor was surely prone to mood swings.

“It is... horrible, Guillermo. Look, he's burning in the coffin. I used to have a nightmare like this every day after I died, well... was turned. It was my funeral, and people shouted all kinds of horrible things at me. I was stuck in a coffin and couldn’t get out. And then they set it on fire…”

It was clear Nandor was on the verge of tears at this point. Guillermo decided to take advantage of the rare candidness his master expressed and asked, “So, how _were_ you turned, master? You never actually told me.”

Nandor kept looking at the screen, brow furrowed with unease, until the scene ended. He looked at the table again, shoulders drooping, a tired look on his face.

“That is a story for another time, Guillermo. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll have another taste of this jiggly thing. And the... ugh... vegetable dish. And I know you have the creamy ice in the freezer, I want some of that too. I need to understand why you people like eating frozen things. We didn't have anything like this in Al Quolanudar. I know you like ice chips, through, don't you Guillermo? Now, can you please leave me to it and... sweep the floors in my room,” Nandor ordered and sank his teeth into some white bun. “Bleugh, this one has garlic in it.”

“So you want me to leave you here, all alone with Colin?” Guillermo chuckled. He didn't want to have all his efforts be in vain, and to throw away undigested food. He needed his master to stop ruining his New Year's meal.

“Yes, I will be just fine here with Colin Robinson. Right, Colin?” Colin slowly nodded from the couch, not taking eyes off the television.

Guillermo looked at an old grandfather clock in the room. 11:40pm. Soon it's going to be the start of a New Year. He wasn't going to follow Nandor's nonsensical orders right now, so he, having completely ignored it, started cleaning up all the food from the table, putting it in tupperware containers, piling up dirty dishes in the sink. He'll take care of it tomorrow. Nandor, miraculously, didn't notice the disobedience, and just plopped down on the couch next to Colin, who didn't seem to mind. 

“And we are absolutely, positively, back, my fellow housemates,” Laszlo announced loudly, appearing in the doorway with Nadja by his side. Both seemed content and relaxed, Nadja showing her teeth in a happy grin. “Is the movie over, Gizmo?” she asked, taking a seat in his previous spot on the couch, next to Laszlo. Guillermo sighed.

“It is, but you're just in time, the New Year is about to begin.” He went up to the old CRT television and extracted the cassette from the player. He switched to cable, and took the last remaining spot on the couch between Colin and Nandor. The news channel was already transmitting the commotion on Times Square, people partying, waiting for the countdown.

Guillermo felt a warm feeling bloom in his chest, remembering how he was celebrating New Year's in 1996 with his mom. They just moved into their new apartment in the Bronx. This was the first year that it was just the two of them, mom said dad couldn't be there, he was busy working. He remembered how their small old TV broadcasted a noisy static sound of the announcer trying to shout down the loud and excited Times Square crowd.

_“Why is papá working on New Year's?” little Guillermo asked, still waiting for dad to surprise him, to knock on the door at any moment._

_“Sorry, mijo,” his mother smiled. “Papá said he's really busy. Hey, we can go for a walk in Manhattan and watch the fireworks after midnight! What do you say? You don't have to go to bed early today,” she winked conspiratorially at the boy._

_“There's gonna be too many people there.” Guillermo said, unimpressed, sinking on the couch. “Will papá come tomorrow? I want to show him the drawing I made. The teacher said it was the best in class.”_

_There was a brief silence there. Silvia smiled at him again, but he didn't like that smile. She moved closer to him on the couch and took his hands in hers, rough but warm ones. There wasn't a ring on them anymore, Guillermo noticed._

_Mother looked him in the eyes. “Mijo” she said, squeezing his hands once. “Tu papá is not going to come tomorrow. He's... he is on a business trip. A very long one.”_

_“Like a round-the-world trip?” Guillermo's eyes lit up. Then, he frowned, as if having seemed to realize something. “Mamá, why didn't he take us with him?”_

_“He... He couldn't…” Silvia was desperately trying to think of something to say, but Guillermo seemed to have caught on, and yanked his hands out of her gentle hold._

_“You're lying! He would have taken us too if he went on a trip!” The boy stood up, turning away to leave for his room._

_“¡Memo! ¡Siéntate, por favor!”_

_“¿Mamá, dónde está papá?”_

_“He's okay, mijo, he's just really really busy!”_

_“No he's not!”_

_Guillermo rushed to the kitchen, to the counter with a plate of grapes, ripping a handful from the vine without counting, and headed for his room._

_“Memo…”_

_The boy shut the door behind him, sat on the floor, and lifted his head at the window, watching the snowflakes slowly descend against the night sky. He could hear the muffled sound of the commentary from the living room, how the ball was soon about to drop. He shoved all the grapes he took in his mouth, trying to eat them all at once. When he couldn't, some fell on the floor and rolled under his bed._

_His mom's face still stood before his eyes. He knew that, when he left, she was crying._

Guillermo was brought out of his thoughts as he felt Colin slightly nudge him on the side. “It's starting.”

The clock showed three minutes left before midnight. The program had no annoying commentary this time, only the ambient noise of the cheering crowd. Guillermo suddenly felt that his face was wet. Oh well, starting the new year like a pathetic fool, what else is new.

“Ah, darling, we should make a wish!” Nadja said to Laszlo, who was slowly teetering to the side with eyes half-closed, about to fall off.

The wish. Of course. Guillermo forgot to buy grapes.

“Hmmpf, what..? Oh, yes, my love. I wish that you stay with me for eternity to come.”

“No, you plonker, you can't say the wish out loud! Oh, wait... How could I forget! Gizmo, we have a surprise for you!” Nadja turned to Guillermo who looked at her absolutely horrified. He couldn't imagine what kind of ‘surprise’ he would get from the vampires.

“Colin Robinson told us about your exotic ritual! I'll go fetch the grapes, don't go anywhere!”

Guillermo couldn't believe his ears. He suddenly regretted not buying that lottery ticket a few days ago.

“There!” Nadja returned, holding a transparent plastic packet in her hands. Guillermo squinted. Those were some weird looking grapes.

“Ehm, it's…” he started, as he held the vacuum-sealed packet closer to his face, “it's olives.”

“What, we got the wrong thing? Colin Robinson, you tricked us! You told us to look for small green close-together balls, and we found them! You ruined Gizmo's surprise, are you happy?”

“I told you to look in the produce section,” Colin rolled his eyes. “Sorry, Guillermo. I didn't think they'd actually buy you those.”

What kind of matrix glitch was happening in his world? His usually grumpy roommates were preparing him surprises, Colin Robinson was apologizing. What's next, Nandor's going to make him a vampire?

Speak of the devil... 

His master, who was peacefully snoring next to him this whole time, now suddenly started stirring.

“Thank you, Nadja, Colin, really, it's okay. Those will work too, it's fine.”

It wasn't fine. Guillermo hated olives. But he wasn't going to disappoint the vampires who unpromptedly decided to do something nice for him. This kind of behavior needed to be encouraged.

“What have you got there, Guillermo?” Nandor said thickly, leaning heavily on his familiar's shoulder to get a better look.

“It's a Mexican tradition to eat doce uvas at each strike of the bell to have a lucky New Year,” explained Guillermo, ripping the packet. “It's also to ward off witches,” he said, throwing a meaningful look at Nadja. She slapped her hip enthusiastically. “I knew I could trust you, Gizmo boy!”

“In my family, we would also think of our deepest desire for the upcoming year while the bell rings, and eat the grapes.”

“I want to give a toast!” Nandor announced. “Give me that…” he impatiently reached for the olives.

“Guys, don't wanna ruin your vibe, but there's one minute left before midnight.”

“Thank you, Colin Robinson. Attention, everyone!” Nandor lazily wrestled a single olive out of Guillermo's hands and solemnly held it in the air. “To my faithful, dear familiar of… many! Loyal years of service. May your loved ones never perish, and your enemies sink in the deepest of marshes! May your southern regions remain forever youthful, and your northern capital stay cool and sharp until the day you're six feet underground. Here's to your, and your highly respected master's, eternal prosperity!”

The cheering from the TV grew louder. 

Guillermo didn't know what he did to deserve all of this. His hearing must've betrayed him, or did he really hear ‘dear familiar’? Everything seemed to have turned upside down today, and his deepest wish to be more appreciated came true. He couldn't dare to dwell on this hope any longer, afraid that a mere thought could spook his happiness like a little bird.

“Everyone, shut up, it's starting! Laszlo, wake up!” Nadja shook her husband's shoulder, the vampire hummed something in return, though he could hardly hear her, soundly asleep from all the alcohol blood.

The people were shouting the countdown along with the clock. Guillermo held an olive close to his mouth and winced as the taste hit his receptors. He could hardly chew one, he wasn't actually about to take down all twelve. He looked up at Nandor affectionately, noticing his goofy smile and the absence of coherent thought in his dark eyes. Nandor raised his olive once more and, with a sense of finality, deposited it into his mouth and swallowed.

_“Five, four, three, two, one!”_

Oh, god, no…

“Hurray!!! Happy New Year!” Guillermo heard Nadja yelling and clapping. The poor geezer next to her finally tumbled off the couch, startled by the loud sound. 

The next few seconds happened almost in dramatic slow motion. Nandor's belly made a suspicious noise, the vampire looked at his familiar in confusion, as if asking for help. Guillermo barely managed to duck, throwing himself to the floor. He heard Colin Robinson's far away protest, something like a long ‘Noooo’, that was interrupted by what sounded a lot like a high-pressure garden hose spray.

___

At Nandor's crypt everything was quiet, as Guillermo finished changing his master's clothes and practically dumping him into the coffin. He couldn't remember how he even hauled his tired master's half-limp body to his room in the first place. He could still hear Colin's cursing ringing in his ears. What happened downstairs was a good solo job for him to take care of the next morning.

“I'm sorry, Guillermo. I ruined your holiday…” Nandor mumbled, looking guiltily from his casket.

“That's okay, master. It was the best New Year's I've ever had. Thanks to you.”

“Really? I'm glad you think so. It can be even better though,” he wiggled his eyebrows. “Come to my room tomorrow at sundown. I have a surprise for you. It's not as great as the glitter picture, but… I think you'll be impressed.”

“Mhm,” Guillermo chuckled, closing the lid of the coffin. “Good night, master.”

“Night, Guillermo. Sweet dreams.”

Soft ragtime was playing in the background. The candles were put out. The vampires, for once, were actually asleep at night.

Guillermo never slept so soundly. Not in a long time. Out in the street, multiple car alarms were going off, people celebrating and singing, possibly blowing themselves up, dogs were barking. No sound awoke him, however. It was a nice family holiday. One he spent with a true family.

Somewhere in the bustling city of New York, a woman took a sip of champagne, looking at a framed photo of a boy dressed in a cape.

“Feliz Año Nuevo, Memo.”

**Author's Note:**

> first, no hablo español. second, English no es mi lengua materna, comprende? okay, good.
> 
> I didn't really touch on Christmas at all in this, because I myself don't celebrate it, so I went with something more familiar.
> 
> I'm sorry for giving Guillermo only vegan food, let's pretend it's just a coincidence.
> 
> Also, I'm definitely not insinuating that vintage record collectors are virgins. It's probably quite the opposite.
> 
> It really shows that I have no idea what the actual floor plan of the vampire mansion looks like. In my head, the kitchen is directly accessible from the dining, which also has a clear view of the TV room, where there are two sofas, opposite each other. Sorry, that's just how it be.
> 
> hope you enjoyed this cringe fest.


End file.
